// When I was young, I was led to believe I had to get my talents to “fit” into a job. It seemed to me that our natural abilities had to be molded and configured so that we would be an “asset to the organization” or a “welcome addition” to a department. It didn’t really matter what I really wanted to do.
The message? “You’re not good enough as you are; we have to mold you into a good little employee.”
During my college years, at no time did I face the question: what did I really want to do with my life? I had no idea how to determine my ultimate life goal or what I could do that would bring me fulfillment personally and spiritually. My only goal at the time was to make a decent salary so I could support myself.
I guess I had a total lack of curiosity about what it would be like to actually work at an occupation I had in mind.
The truth is I was afraid to ask; I didn’t know who would actually tell me the truth. Fear ruled my life in some areas, and, frankly, I didn’t feel competent enough to just go for it and see it through.
I was terrified of making a mistake. I played it safe. I took a supporting role in my own life. (“and for her performance in a supporting role, the Oscar goes to….”)
I’d majored in English and Communications and experienced a couple of internships at local television stations. I thought I wanted to work in TV or radio. After college, I was fortunate enough to get a part time position in a radio station as a newscaster. But after a year, I began to see that a media career was not for me.
Frankly, I became ill every time I came to work. Because I worked alone on an early (pre-dawn) weekend shift, I was severely stressed out about getting there on time, so I never slept well the night before. Getting all the equipment prepared and the newscast written made me a nervous wreck. Once I’d done my first newscast, I was able to eat a little breakfast. I was wrung out.
This stress did not go away with time. In fact, it seemed to get worse. I would feel faint, dizzy and I’d break out in a cold sweat.
So I packed my bags, moved back home and set out to find another job as an administrative assistant in an office that dealt with something familiar. That was government and lawmaking. (I’d grown up in Washington, DC and government was everywhere.)
I progressed steadily to better paying jobs as legislative aide, caseworker and administrative assistant in congressional offices, and in city government. As long as the salary increased every year I was happy.
At least that’s what I told myself.
Earning money was the only goal. I wasn’t always on board with the mission of the office I worked for – it was someone else’s goal. I wasn’t honing skills I was interested in either. I wanted to be doing something else. But I didn’t know what. I never gave myself the luxury of thinking it through.
My life had become a way to earn enough money to be comfortable, pay the bills, get married, raise two children, supply them with private education, opportunities and experiences they could learn from and enjoy.
What happened to the dreams I had when I was young? They hadn’t really progressed beyond that of a child – I want to be a movie star, or a TV star. I’d never put satisfying my soul on the front burner. I didn’t have the energy to take the initiative and find what I would truly enjoy doing.
Dreams were set aside, as were the dreams of most people I knew. We had all become slaves to the jobs we had, unhappy and somewhat hopeless.
Ever since I began working I’d felt trapped. Earning money wasn’t a good enough goal. What about personal fulfillment? What about having enough time to enjoy the money I was making?
I was having to fit into other people’s schedules, rules and procedures. My life was not my own. I never questioned it because people said it’s just the way it is. No one I knew, including my parents, questioned it.
I didn’t feel good about my life. I felt my individuality was gone. I had become a drone, without little ambition or initiative after being shut down and discouraged too many times by those higher up. There seemed to be no way to stretch my talents – I felt tired and defeated. There was no urge to learn, experiment, or discover.
When co-workers would be promoted ahead of me my anger would just blast a hole inside, gnawing at me. My rage was real; I felt betrayed, lied to, used, and I felt like that was the plan all along. Wring what they can get out of me, because she won’t quit, she needs the job.
And they were right. I did need the job. I tried to forget my feelings and do little things to cheer myself up – weekends away, joining a choral group. But the feelings of dissatisfaction would not stay quiet long.
Suddenly I was 40 and a widow. In my mind, there went all opportunity do anything other than what I was doing. I had to stay employed. Suddenly I was unable to help my children with tuition all the way through college. I felt like a failure. They had lost a father; now they were losing the financial security that I had enjoyed in my own life.
Things went on as before, and I worried about my kids; I felt like I wasn’t there for them emotionally as much as I should have been because I was wrung out from my job and the politics of the office.
It was when both my children left home that I started thinking again of what I really wanted to do. I thought that my life is half over and I hadn’t done anything worthwhile really, other than being a mother.
My spiritual self was not happy. There was no getting around it. I studied books about self-awareness, opening up the chakras, and finding one’s true life purpose and “doing what you love and the money will come.” But I didn’t really believe that I would actually find what I was looking for. I under-educated for some things and over-qualified for others.
To my great surprise and gratitude, I met a man whom I’d loved a long time ago and who still loved me. We married and moved to another city because of his job. I now had an opportunity to think about what I really wanted to do.
I made an incredible discovery. There is a way to conduct a business on line without having to be a computer whiz. The business can be anything you want. The system shows you how to set it up and get it going, and trains you to become more and more competent online.
I couldn’t believe I could do this. All I’d done was word processing and a little cutting and pasting on a website.
My life has changed tremendously, and at my age, that’s a miraculous thing. I am changing my mindset to one of an entrepreneur, not a terrified employee afraid to make a mistake.
I’m doing what I love doing, which is writing, making videos, communicating my joy to people, and helping people become aware of their inner spirit and well of happiness, and discover their life’s purpose. We all deserve to enjoy our lives before we retire.
To learn more about this system of internet marketing, click here.
I feel that I have been given a miracle. And that’s because I was finally ready to receive it. I’ve become true to myself, and I’m no longer afraid to express my truth to others.
If we do not seek our inner truth we are living an unconscious life.There are many years of my life that I honestly cannot recall many details about. This is appalling to me; it’s as if I was sleepwalking through life.
For the years I have remaining I want to revel in the joy of being myself and all the gifts I’ve been given and the abundance that is all around me.
It’s all around all of us if we are ready and willing to receive. There’s plenty for everyone.
To learn more about this system of internet marketing, click here. There’s nothing to be afraid of if you want a new chance to live life on your terms.